


One and Apart

by isuilde



Series: Celeng 10 Hari Kreatif Bersama Tante-Tante Fujo [1]
Category: Ouran High School Host Club - All Media Types
Genre: Canon Compliant, Celeng 10 Hari Kreatif Bersama Tante-Tante Fujo, Character-centric, M/M, Or Is It?, one-sided Kaoru->Hikaru
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-18
Updated: 2014-06-18
Packaged: 2018-02-05 04:17:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 988
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1805002
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/isuilde/pseuds/isuilde
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is Kaoru's secret. It's okay if no one understands.</p><p>Takes place around chapter 52-53 of the manga.</p>
            </blockquote>





	One and Apart

**Author's Note:**

> Day 1 entry for the [Celeng 10 Hari bersama Tante-Tante Fujo](http://nherizu.livejournal.com/156040.html) challenge (tapi saya bukan tante-tante ya kakak). The theme is **Secret**. Also holy shit, I finally write a HikaKao piece. 0-o
> 
> First fic in Ouran fandom, btw. Be gentle with me, ahahaha

This is Kaoru’s secret.

It manifests in the way his breath stutters ever-so-slightly when Hikaru curls around him, in the soft syllables escaping his lips when he calls out to his twin. It’s in the way he runs his fingers through Hikaru’s hair, untangling the knots and making Hikaru flinch when he pulls too hard. His secret, strewn all over the air between them, weaving between the curves of their bodies when Hikaru scoots closer to him in the middle of the night, and over the laughter echoing in the corners of the host club room, in their tangled fingers that send countless girls swooning.

Hikaru loves him, that Kaoru knows. He also knows that Hikaru loves Haruhi, and that Hikaru thinks Kaoru loves Haruhi, too.

Except Kaoru doesn’t. He does, but not like Hikaru does. He wishes he could be—that would be so much easier to handle.

**\-----o0o-----**

He shares his secret with Honey-senpai, but Honey-senpai can’t understand.

“Hikaru won’t leave you,” he says, and Kaoru thinks, _no, he’s going to. I want him to._

It’s complicated, really, because Kaoru _wants_  and _doesn’t want_  Hikaru to go. He likes being with Hikaru like this; likes fitting himself into the crook of Hikaru’s body and says a vulnerable line that makes the girls scream, likes pressing his nose against Hikaru’s shoulder and breathes the same scent that he smells in himself, too. It’s safe—it’s their very own locked haven where no one could come in, where they belong to each other because they’re twins, where they’re still one and the same and Kaoru can’t tell where he ends and Hikaru begins. No one had ever succeeded in breaking them, telling them apart, until Haruhi sauntered in and pointed out that _no, that’s not Kaoru, that’s Hikaru_.

It was terrifying, and yet thrilling and exciting at the same time.

Because Kaoru wants Hikaru to break apart, to be someone that is not Kaoru, to be a separate existence from what Hitachiin Kaoru is. They have a lot of differences—they always have, but differences never mattered when you were originally one. After all, contradictions exist even in the most singular thing in the universe. Kaoru wants— _needs_ —Hikaru to be separate, because Kaoru can’t love himself. Hikaru is far, far brighter to exist forever as a part of Hitachiin twins, and Kaoru needs him to break away because he wants to love the person Hikaru is going to be one day, too. Kaoru needs not to be a hindrance for Hikaru, who, he’s sure, one day would shine brighter than anyone else by himself.

Despite that, having Haruhi turns to him and calling him _Kaoru_  without so much as a pause terrifies him.

Despite that, knowing that Hikaru would break away because Haruhi sets him apart from Kaoru pains him.

Because it means Hikaru is breaking away, not because he wants to be a separate person from Kaoru, but because he sees Haruhi as someone more important than Kaoru.

**\-----o0o-----**

Hikaru loves Haruhi. That much, Kaoru knows.

So he kisses Haruhi and shares the kiss with Hikaru.

Hikaru doesn’t understand, but that’s okay. Kaoru laughs, tells Hikaru they’d pick another bed—another room maybe—and they could sleep separately because they’re big boys after all. Honey-senpai watches them leave with a sad look that somehow sends shame down Kaoru’s guts, and for a second Kaoru thinks he’s going to puke with the intensity of it.

But for tonight, their beds are still pressed close together. For tonight, Hikaru still curls around him, and Kaoru clutches the hem of Hikaru’s shirt tighter than he’s always had. For tonight, his secret is still filling the spaces between them, silently hanging on the tips of his fingers, drifting along the curve of Hikaru’s shoulder, arms, hips, legs. For tonight, his secret isn’t surrounding Kaoru all by himself, because he’s still not alone.

He thinks he wants to cry, a little. He can’t.

**\-----o0o-----**

He wakes up alone. He thinks he shouldn’t be surprised.

Except then when he comes into the bathroom, Hikaru stands in front of the mirror, bright eyes framed with strands of dark brown, and Kaoru’s brain goes blank. He listens, he listens, he listens, and Hikaru says a lot of things—about them, about Haruhi, about Tamaki—and _Hikaru’s hair is different from his own_.

“Normal people can only face their future alone,” Hikaru says, taking Kaoru’s hands into his own ans squeezing it for all it’s worth. “You and I can face it together.”

It’s unfair, that it’s always Hikaru who knows exactly what to say, when Kaoru is the one who loves literature more.

“That’s why, we’ll always stay together even after this,” Hikaru adds. Together, and the word rings in Kaoru’s ears, flooding his whole being with warmth and springing tears to his eyes. “Because we can’t do otherwise.”

When Hikaru pulls him closer, rests their foreheads together, all smiles in the face of Kaoru’s tears, Kaoru heaves a stuttered breath, clutches on the blazer of Hikaru’s uniform, and blurts out, “I love you.”

Hikaru laughs and hugs him close. He doesn’t understand, not the way Kaoru wants him to—maybe not yet, maybe someday—but Kaoru clings to him anyway, repeats the words over and over again even as the tears fall, breathing through the mix of pain and unbearable relief clogging his throat, his chest, his mind.

**\-----o0o-----**

He runs up to Honey-senpai, and says, “Even after this, we’re going to stay together!”

Honey-senpai cries for him. Honey-senpai says, “That’s so great!” and hugs him, and Kaoru hugs him back despite he knows Honey-senpai doesn’t understand, because he likes Honey-senpai and Honey-senpai likes him, too.

Hikaru’s arms wind around from behind with an exclamation that he’s the one who likes Kaoru the most, and Kaoru watches his secret dances along Hikaru’s sleeves, bright and happy, and thinks, _someday, someday. Maybe someday_.

**\-----o0ofinitoo0o-----**

**Author's Note:**

> Fic word count: 986 words.


End file.
